What does “demisexual” really mean?
According to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D., a demisexual is someone who doesn’t sense sexual attraction unless or until they’ve made a close emotional connection with another person. The word demi means “half,” and it refers to a person whose sexual attraction experience falls somewhere between asexuality (which defines persons who don’t experience sexual attraction at all) and allosexuality (which describes people who do) (which describes people who do experience sexual attraction).
According to Queen, the term demisexual was coined after a user on the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network described their experience of “not being sexually attracted to individuals without first building an emotional connection.”
Signs you could be demisexual.
If you’re trying to figure out if you’re demisexual, think about the last time or a few times you felt sexual attraction. How did you end up in that situation? Was the attraction strong and quick, or did it develop over time as you got to know the person? Have you ever daydreamed about having sex with someone with whom you don’t share an emotional link, or does this never happen to you?
You’ll probably have a better idea of where you fall on the sexuality spectrum after answering these questions. If you’re still not convinced, consider the following indicators of demisexuality:
1. It takes a while for you to develop sexual attraction.
If you think back on your prior romantic partners and don’t find them appealing at first, you might be demisexual. “Demisexuals often take their time in building connections and may not regard a person as beautiful or sexually stimulating until after weeks or months of knowing them,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, CST.
2. You don’t have random celebrity crushes.
“You may be demisexual if you don’t experience even modest pleasure or excitation when viewing movies or seeing images of celebrities,” Conger tells mbg. “Demisexuals are less sensitive to visual arousal cues, and they usually only find someone appealing when they have more than just an image to go on.”
3. You do have crushes on your inner circle.
Demisexuals frequently experience sentiments of desire toward good friends or individuals with whom they have a significant degree of connection or intimacy, according to Queen.
“Because feelings of connection or intimacy are the key to unlocking sexual attraction,” she says, “it’s quite possible that a demisexual will experience more sexual feelings for their good friends than either an asexual or an allosexual would—though this would not be entirely out of the allosexual range.”
4. You’re probably not interested in random hookups or one-night stands.
Someone who identifies as demisexual may “find themselves turned off or entirely disinterested in hookups, sex parties, and other versions of ‘sport sex’ or sex with people they don’t already know,” Queen says.
5. You prefer intimate date activities.
“Activities that encourage getting to know someone on a much deeper level are desirable for a demisexual,” Queen says to mbg. “Going to the movies, for example, might work if there’s good talk and discussion of how the film made you think and feel about a certain subject. The desire for sexual attraction may begin to bloom when feelings and bonds grow within the setting of the relationship, but only after enough time has passed learning about each other and waiting for attraction to build.”
6. You don’t have a “type.”
While most people can define their ideal partner’s physical characteristics right away, this isn’t necessarily the case for someone who identifies as demisexual. “You may find yourself attracted to a range of different people and realize that appearances are secondary to their attitude, character, and how you bond together as a team,” says Megwyn White, licensed clinical sexologist and director of education at sexual wellness brand Satisfyer.
